8.18.2010

Dreams...again....

Lately I have been having this overwhelming feeling of fear or anxiety.  My dreams lately have also been a target.  They have been dark and kind of scary.  Last night, I dreamt my car was stolen, and I was crying and scared and didn't know what to do.  I don't think it was so much as the car was stolen, but something else is going on and it's being re-interpreted into other material things in my dreams.

I know what it is but I just don't know how to deal with it.  Ugh, I just posted that I wasn't going to let fear rob me of precious moments but this is a precious moment really.  This is a something that has been going on for sometime and I choose to ignore it thinking (lamely I might add) it will just dissapear.  But it's now looming over me.  Much like this picture:

It's truly like the storm on top of the tree and I know if I don't hit it head on, it will only grow bigger until it's truly lost all control.

I pay close attention to my dreams.  I think at times it's my soul speaking to me but sometimes I don't listen.  I use to have these crazy water dreams.  I'd be on the beach and I'd look out to the sea and i would sense the changes in the water.  In the far distance I would see it something like this:

I would always be alone on the beach.  The waves would be gathering up in speed, height and force until the wave(s) were so huge
when I would look up I would see it towering hundreds of feet above me.  Imagine if you will, I am at the bottom of the picture barely a dot like the surfers below in the picture.
Imagine that!  I don't remember what exactly was going on in that point of my life, but it was something and the water always represented it.

Somehow though, I was never taken away in it, I wasn't swept away. 

Another water dream, I seen it and there were these stairs that were so high, I thought the water wouldn't come near.  I ran up them until I reached the top and the water (under normal conditions) would never reach, but the wave came.  It reached me and as I had my back against the wall, I pressed my body against it, arms on each side of me, palms down against the cool rock and I turned my face to the left and my face contorted as I prepared for it's wrath.  As I felt it coming towards me, I only felt the cool mist spray of the sea water.  The water hit the wall but for some reason it didn't touch me, it was all around me like a invisible box was protecting me.  After I felt the wave go away, I looked down and water was on the floor and I could see it all wet.  I noticed a screen/glass door and people were inside having some party of some sort, so I ran inside and locked the door so the water wouldn't come in.

The other water dreams were super crazy too.  One involved 3 sharks with a poster (weird I know) but what was weirder was the fact that when I was swimming through it, I felt it was 3 of them and I tried my best to swim hard and fast so they wouldn't bite my feet.  But that's another dream.

 I hope my dreams from now on are peaceful and happy.  There is enough chaos in life when I'm awake. =)

So, happy dreams to you!

Quotes by Katherine Fugate

I came across these from Katherine Fugate's blog today.

"the remedy for dirt is soap & water.
the remedy for dying is living."
- Katherine Fugate

"Dreams are powerful things. If we dream when we are awake, we can become astronauts and walk on the moon. If we dream when we’re asleep, we can walk on stars. There is a theory that all the people in a dream are really you: the hero you, the villain you, the healing you, the broken you. And all the yous have a common goal: to help you love yourself a little bit better." – Katherine Fugate
"Words have such power. They can lift us up or they can tear us down. They can heal or they can destroy. But at the end of our lives, it’s the words left unsaid that haunt us. When you lose someone so suddenly, all you think about is all the words you didn’t say." – Katherine Fugate

Dreaming of you


Ive thought on a few occasions to write a 'love letter' to you. But the words just didn't seem to capture what I wanted you to feel. It's sort of an in-between. I know how I feel and what I want. My 'in-between' depends on: what do you feel....what do you really want? I have wrote you something, question is have you read it?

I have always said to myself: "Self, if you are ever in a relationship where you no longer have love for someone, then just be honest, tell them and go from there. Either it can be worked through (which I prefer if it's just simple things) or it can't and just take from this the lessons that you can later apply in life or talk about in a postive way of lessons learned to share." I also tell the other person in the relationship if they feel that things are not working out, talk to me. Tell me. If love has been gone and can't simply cannot be worked on (quitter) then go. Don't go on about life and lie to me and end up on cheating because 'you don't want to hurt my feelings'. Psh. That's the worst. Okay back to what I was intending to say. Dreaming.

I dreamt of you. You've been entering my dreams. To enter my dreams means a lot. That's when you've broken past my wall, fence and you my friend have gone deep.

I can pretend to hold back the feelings in my heart but the mind. The mind is the great and powerful oz...oops....i mean the mind is great and powerful. Yourself is the only one that can control it or let it be taken control of. You sneaky tresspasser!

You found one of the keys. hmmm...well I can't do anything about that now.

But you have entered my dreams. Reminds me of a poem I have.  'Walk with me through the halls of immaculate dreams'.

What did I dream of.  The other night, the setting was the apartment complex where I grew up in and my room was the middle room.  We were laying in my bed and hugging.....that's all I can say for now. 

So I hope that I too am in your dreams.  Even if just to say hello.

"One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. Passers-by see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on their way.” -Van Gogh

To Love or To Be Vunerable?

"I feel like every time I love someone I give them a part of myself and when things end, I hobble around for a while, missing limbs or an eye, a victim in the the long war we call love."
 -Anais Escobar


I believe underneath all the eyelashes, liquid eyeliner, and debris that is life, we all want the same thing in the end.  TO love and Be loved.

Maybe the weather lately has been telling me the season will soon be changing and when it's cold and wintery, you want that warmth of the person you love.

I came across this saying from C.S. Lewis:

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keepign it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal.  Wrap it carefully  round with hobgies and little luxuuries; avoid all entanglements.  Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.  But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change.  It will nto be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.  To love is to be vunerable." - C.S. Lewis

I can see where this was going and meant to be.  But for MYself....nah, I'll just be vunerable.  It's sometimes hard because letting your guard down, tearing down your walls or unlocking the gated fence is scary.  Is the person you are to let in, really who they are? 

"Every one sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are"  - Nicolo Machiavelli

I've lived some and truly loved few (in regards to giving my heart to a man/men). 

I would joke that I have a little black heart but in some ways tis' true.  I mean, it's not so much in use.  wait now im sounding like a scorned bitter person who doesn't know love.  That's not true, I get tears in my eyes (yes and they do actually fall sometimes) when it comes to events with family and such.  But trusting someone with something so special...is like a tug-of-war at times.  It's sometimes a matter of, will this hurt as much as I know it will or do i forsee an expiration date that I'm not telling 'him' about.  ('him' currently refers to no one in particular at this time but more so on past ....i'll post on this later).

In any case, I'd rather be open and vunerable than to not enjoy the feelings of like or love.

Im open to the possibilities.  It's a risk. 

There's fear but then again:

"Fear is a sneaky thief, stealing away precious moments of your life."
- Elizabeth Lesser

I'll do my best to no longer be robbed of the precious moments of my life.

8.11.2010

SVRG & American Red Cross Blood Drive

Dear friends,


The Silicon Valley Roller Girls (SVRG) will be hosting a blood drive on Saturday, August 28th from 9am to 3pm and we're asking for your help to save lives!

Can you donate blood? Forward to this to your address book! Spread the word through email, Facebook, twitter, or smoke signals…

There is a blood shortage going on and every bit helps to save lives, especially if you are a universal donor!

SVRG & American Red Cross Blood Drive
Saturday, August 28th, 9am - 3pm
San Jose Skate (once upon a time: Aloha)
397 Blossom Hill Road, San Jose, CA 95123

Reserve an appointment to give blood online at: http://www.redcrossblood.org/make-donation and enter the sponsor code "skate" and our event will show up.

Donors will enjoy free refreshments from Larabar and vitaminwater. You will also have a 1 in 35 chance to win a $100 Best Buy gift card!

I reserved my time.....now you do yours!

8.10.2010

One of the endless infinity reasons on why I love being an Auntie

The weekend before last I was all over the place.  I was in Sac, Elk Grove, Mather, Stockton and Tracy.  Family events and such.

So I stayed the night in Tracy and ended up leaving my make-up bag at my dad's house.  All my glorious make-up.  I had to buy my chola liner (aka black liquid eyeliner), compact (from Whole Foods, non-talc thankyouverymuch) and Mascara to tide me over.  I told my sister to hold it for me until I seen her again.

This past weekend I was in Stockton and Tracy again and my sister gave me my bag and I was too into plucking my stray brows that I didn't go through everything.  Not that I was worried that anything would be missing.  Never that.  But you know I always make sure my holy trinity (bright red lipstick, eyeliner and mascara) were there.

So today while i sat in the backseat of my co-workers car, I decided I needed to pimp my eyes.  I opened my eyeshadow boxthingamajig and I almost cried.  I'm a sucker when it comes to my little dumplings (Oh....and when I say 'My lil Dumplings' I am referring to my nieces and nephew).

This is what I seen:


Isn't that the SWEETEST?

My 7yr old niece....she beat me to the punch on leaving a little unexpected secret note.

8.06.2010

Coming soon: Interview with my dumplings

I was driving when a thought occured to me.

'My dumplings' are at the age where I should be capturing all their little antics and sayings.  I have 2 nieces and a nephew.  Alanah is 7, Gina is 5 (starting Kindergarten) and Albino jr (aka Baby Boy) is 4.

Jeez, I hope I got their ages right, I'm kinda bad with that.

So I thought, I should do a interview piece on them.  I just have to figure out what questions I should ask them and do a 'sit' down interview with them.  I can even video tape it but I'd probably have to have their parents consent first because of posting and what not.  Maybe I'll do it anyway, but just type out the interview.

I think it'll be cute especially right before two of them start school.

haha I'll have to bring a microphone to make it seem legit. =)

8.05.2010

The purpose has been defeated

The whole purpose of this blog was for me to unleash all my innermost thoughts, daydreams, rants, raves, purrs and hisses.  All anonymously.

Well because I changed one of my blogs 'detox' to things relating to working out and hypothyroidism....well i've met many a co-workers who have the same symptoms and share my love for Gluten Free living with family that I can't be as exposed as I once was.  Because I keep giving them this site!

And that kind of sucks monkey balls.

No it sucks Silver Back Gorilla Balls.


I guess I just can't hide.....so I shall to talk to myself in the corner.

(haha don't ask why this particular picture is posted it was just hella funny to me)

6.23.2010

Rumi

Some of the sayings that I like from Rumi:
6/23/10 http://www.armory.com/~thrace/sufi/poems.html
____________________

"If thou wilt be observant and vigilant, thou wilt see at every moment the response to thy action. Be observant if thou wouldst have a pure heart, for something is born to thee in consequence of every action."
____________________

"Soul receives from soul that knowledge, therefore not by book nor from tongue.
If knowledge of mysteries come after emptiness of mind, that is illumination of heart."
____________________


"Our death is our wedding with eternity.
What is the secret? "God is One."
The sunlight splits when entering the windows of the house.
This multiplicity exists in the cluster of grapes;
It is not in the juice made from the grapes.
For he who is living in the Light of God,
The death of the carnal soul is a blessing.
Regarding him, say neither bad nor good,
For he is gone beyond the good and the bad.
Fix your eyes on God and do not talk about what is invisible,
So that he may place another look in your eyes.
It is in the vision of the physical eyes
That no invisible or secret thing exists.
But when the eye is turned toward the Light of God
What thing could remain hidden under such a Light?
Although all lights emanate from the Divine Light
Don't call all these lights "the Light of God";
It is the eternal light which is the Light of God,
The ephemeral light is an attribute of the body and the flesh.
...Oh God who gives the grace of vision!
The bird of vision is flying towards You with the wings of desire."
____________________

from One-Handed Basket Weaving:
Anything that comes and goes,
rises and sets, is not what I love."
else you'll be like a caravan fire left
to flare itself out alone beside the road. "
____________________

Because my brother says I'm strict:
"I said, 'Thou art harsh, like such a one.'
'Know,' he replied,
'That I am harsh for good, not from rancor and spite.
Whoever enters saying, "This I," I smite him on the brow;
For this is the shrine of Love, o fool! it is not a sheep cote!
Rub thine eyes, and behold the image of the heart.'"

____________________


In the Arms of the Beloved

Gone to the Unseen


At last you have departed and gone to the Unseen.
What marvelous route did you take from this world?

Beating your wings and feathers,
you broke free from this cage.
Rising up to the sky
you attained the world of the soul.
You were a prized falcon trapped by an Old Woman.
Then you heard the drummer's call
and flew beyond space and time.

As a lovesick nightingale, you flew among the owls.
Then came the scent of the rosegarden
and you flew off to meet the Rose.

The wine of this fleeting world
caused your head to ache.
Finally you joined the tavern of Eternity.
Like an arrow, you sped from the bow
and went straight for the bull's eye of bliss.

This phantom world gave you false signs
But you turned from the illusion
and journeyed to the land of truth.

You are now the Sun -
what need have you for a crown?
You have vanished from this world -
what need have you to tie your robe?

I've heard that you can barely see your soul.
But why look at all? -
yours is now the Soul of Souls!

O heart, what a wonderful bird you are.
Seeking divine heights,
Flapping your wings,
you smashed the pointed spears of your enemy.

The flowers flee from Autumn, but not you -
You are the fearless rose
that grows amidst the freezing wind.

Pouring down like the rain of heaven
you fell upon the rooftop of this world.
Then you ran in every direction
and escaped through the drain spout . . .

Now the words are over
and the pain they bring is gone.
Now you have gone to rest
in the arms of the Beloved.

____________________


REMEMBERED MUSIC


'Tis said, the pipe and lute that charm our ears
Derive their melody from rolling spheres;
But Faith, o'erpassing speculation's bound,
Can see what sweetens every jangled sound.

We, who are parts of Adam, heard with him
The song of angels and of seraphim.
Out memory, though dull and sad, retains
Some echo still of those unearthly strains.

Oh, music is the meat of all who love,
Music uplifts the soul to realms above.
The ashes glow, the latent fires increase:
We listen and are fed with joy and peace.
____________________
The following Rumi sayings are from http://peacefulrivers.homestead.com/Rumilove.html
as of 6/23/10

____________________

The minute I heard my first love story,

I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere,
they're in each other all along.
____________________

When I am with you, we stay up all night,
When you're not here, I can't get to sleep.
Praise God for these two insomnias!
And the difference between them.
____________________

I have phrases and whole pages memorized,

but nothing can be told of love.
You must wait until you and I
are living together.
In the conversation we'll have
then...be patient...then.
____________________

A Smile and Gentleness

There is a smile and a gentleness
inside. When I learned the name
and address of that, I went to where
you sell perfume. I begged you not
to trouble me so with longing. Come
out and play! Flirt more naturally.

Teach me how to kiss. On the ground
a spread blanket, flame that's caught
and burning well, cumin seeds browning,
I am inside all of this with my soul.
____________________

The Freshness

When it's cold and raining,
you are more beautiful.

And the snow brings me
even closer to your lips.
The inner secret, that which was never born,
you are that freshness, and I am with you now.

I can't explain the goings,
or the comings. You enter suddenly,
and I am nowhere again.

Inside the majesty.
____________________

When you find yourself with the Beloved, embracing for
one breath,

In that moment you will find your true destiny.
Alas, don't spoil this precious moment
Moments like this are very, very rare.
____________________


Some Kiss We Want

There is some kiss we want with
our whole lives, the touch of
spirit on the body. Seawater
begs the pearl to break its shell.

And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild darling! At
night, I open the window and ask
the moon to come and press its
face against mine. Breathe into
me. Close the language- door and
open the love window. The moon
won't use the door, only the window
____________________
Moving Water

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.

When actions come from another section, the feeling disappears.
Don't let others lead you. They may be blind or, worse, vultures.

Reach for the rope of God. And what is that? Putting aside self-will.

Because of willfulness people sit in jail, the trapped bird's wings are tied,
fish sizzle in the skillet.

The anger of police is willfulness. You've seen a magistrate inflict visible punishment.
Now see the invisible. If you could leave your selfishness, you would see how you've
been torturing your soul. We are born and live inside black water in a well.

How could we know what an open field of sunlight is? Don't insist on going where
you think you want to go. Ask the way to the spring. Your living pieces will form
a harmony. There is a moving palace that floats in the air
with balconies and clear water flowing through, infinity everywhere, yet contained
under a single tent.
____________________

I love this one:

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.


Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.

Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.

Don't go back to sleep.
____________________

Late, by myself, in the boat of myself,
no light and no land anywhere,
cloudcover thick. I try to stay
just above the surface,
yet I'm already under
and living with the ocean.
____________________


A certain person came to the Friend's door and knocked.

"Who's there?"

"It's me."

The Friend answered, "Go away. There's no place for raw meat at this table."

The individual went wandering for a year.

Nothing but the fire of separation can change hypocrisy and ego. The person returned completely cooked, walked up and down in front of the Friend's house, gently knocked.

"Who is it?"

"You."

"Please come in, my self, there's no place in this house for two.
The doubled end of the thread is not what goes through the eye of the needle.
It's a single-pointed, fined-down, thread end, not a big ego-beast with baggage."
____________________


This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
____________________
Who Says Words With My Mouth

All day I think about it, then at night I say it.

Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing?
I have no idea.

My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that,
and I intend to end up there.

This drunkenness began in some other tavern.
When I get back around to that place,
I'll be completely sober. Meanwhile,
I'm like a bird from another continent, sitting in this aviary.

The day is coming when I fly off,
but who is it now in my ear who hears my voice?

Who says words with my mouth?

Who looks out with my eyes? What is the soul?

I cannot stop asking.

If I could taste one sip of an answer,
I could break out of this prison for drunks.
I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way.

Whoever brought me here will have to take me home.

This poetry, I never know what I'm going to say.
I don't plan it.
When I'm outside the saying of it,
I get very quiet and rarely speak at all.
____________________


There is a life-force within your soul, seek that life.
There is a gem in the mountain of your body, seek that mine.
O traveler, if you are in search of That
Don't look outside, look inside yourself and seek That.
____________________

There is a candle in the heart of man, waiting to be kindled.

In separation from the Friend, there is a cut waiting to be stitched.

O, you who are ignorant of endurance and the burning
fire of love----
Love comes of its own free will, it can't be learned
in any school.
____________________

6.15.2010

A New Slope

A new slope


Is it necessary to go the normal route?

I fell down a slope that I never knew existed. I always was cautious trying to step into footsteps that were laid down before me on the beaten path.

The same winding path where I could close my eyes and walk and never stumble.

I never knew. I didn't see it coming.

I knew I was tired of being the tour guide, and now I'm the tourist.

New smells, new light.

A new me.

I always followed that map on the same ol' path.

But I fell down a slope that I never knew existed for me.

A slope that's custom fit. Mud, rocks, brush, trees and all. Branches sticking out like little obstacles we call life.

I didn't even try to reach out or try to slow myself down. I smiled the whole way through. Not knowing when or where it will end.

I'm enjoying it, every single moment of it.

Even if it leads to another place…I'm still going to smile.

I never knew.

I never knew it existed.

I didn't see it coming.

And I smile the whole way through.


[ written by: Lorenza E. Campos on 5/2/07 ]