Brought to you by Gandhi

"Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviors. Keep your behaviors positive because your behaviors become your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny. "

- Gandhi

Thoughts

It has been a great while since I've posted.

1.  My internet is funkier than Rick James crotch pants.
2. I've been busier than a hooker trying to make that rent money.

Hmm....not a too fantastic way to start off my thoughts post right? Fk it who cares. =)

This moment's thought:

My daily practice now is to continually clean the chambers of my heart - to give and receive love, to stay present to myself and to others, to no longer flee, or worry, or procrastinate.  I may act imperfectly, but I try to act bodly from my core values.

Restraining Order

What a horrible day.  I can't for the life of me begin to think why a person who is so in to church could say hurtful, untrue and slanderous lies about me and to me.

Not very christian like or lady like for that matter.

I got a horrible voicemail from someone today which does make me fear for my safety by ending the voicemail saying I pissed her off and in her words: "I'm not done with you *******, I'm going to speak my mind until I confront you in person"

Apparently I'm lazy (that's why I work a full time job and do derby off hours, although I admit that I am currently on LOA because of stress related issues and skating while stressed makes me a bad ref).

I'm insecure (but I wear booty shorts and fishnets in front of hundreds of people at derby games when I'm skating).

I'm a slob (not true when everyone knows I always keep my place up and alwasy clean up immediately after and never leave dishes in the sink, unless its a pot that is soaking....rare).

I'm fat (I never knew I said I was a model or skinny.  I know I'm over weight by standards but really now).

I have Low self esteem (because I can afford to live on my own and not live with other persons who are 10 years younger than)

I'm jealous (that I can't stay home and eat all day and while my spouse is at work and school full time I can't cook anything for them when they get home other than soup when I ate a pot of mashed potatoes by myself or keep a stable job)

I'm envious (I guess because I don't feel its comfortable to hit on the opposite sex who are 16 years younger than me)

And I lie from the pit of hell.

----------------------------------------------------
What I do know and can say is I have everything EVERYTHING documented and I have transferred the voicemail to a .wav file which is being burned onto a CD so that I can submit it with the paperwork for my restraining order against this person because I do not know what she is capable of. 

1 week + 1 day AND COUNTING

This stems from a recent heartache of mine. I was seeing someone on and off for 8years. Because of past bad habits I always tended to pull away when I got close to someone. In September things started to transpire to where I let my guard down, and let the feelings that I've had for someone flood my heart and cloud my mind. I gave excuses, waived the pink/red flags because I was giving it a try. Rey asked me to be his girl but we were still discussing it. Then recently we began seeing each other and talking more about it. He came over for a dinner date on 3/3 and we had what I thougth was a budding relationship. We talked about getting together and all that lovely stuff every girl who is falling in love wants to hear. Yes falling in love. I said it. It's been about 9 years since I last said that or felt those beats of the heart. And in a moment....it was all stripped away.

3/10 ugh. I got a call from a private number. Mind you, I was sick with Laryngitis and Strep Throat. It was a precursor to what I was going to find out. Then a text. "Who are you?" Oh shit. Classic case of "my man's got a hoe already". I texted back who are you and how did you get my number. I never gave my name because shit if my name wasn't important enough to be coded on his phone then my name don't need to be in your mouth. Basically they have been together 5 years. EWW i seen this broad too. She's fugly. I give credit where it's due and the only thing she had on me was a smaller tummy and huge chi-chi's. She had a square squished face that had no lips and was quite a site.

Anyhow, I texted back some stuff but was civil and said I didn't know he had a lady etc and then I texted him how I felt and that I didn't deserve to be treated how he did. For my closure. Anyway, he must've lied either to keep lying with lies or to protect me. Apparently he told her I'm one of his baby momma friends stirring up drama. Now I love to cook but I'm not trying to stir up shit stew with anyone. I was let down, deceived and broken hearted. Not to mention, his coward ass never had the courage to tell me the truth. He even called me from her phone and said if i was telling her he would call/text me at all hours of the night (which he would) and I said yes cause it was true and then i told him, so it is true...why couldn't you have told me the truth? all i heard her say was who is she...who is she. Then he stuck his tail between his legs and hung up.

My cousin is going through a heartbreak/ache. I wrote this to her:

I know its hard to digest but look at this from another perspective.

I was looking at my calendar and saw that it had been 2 weeks since I last seen Rey and 1 week + 1 day that I found out or was presented with the truth about "my guy". Then I realized that those numbers are important. Like sobriety. I realized its not only 1 week + 1 day of finding out but its more that I'm 1 week + 1 day AND COUNTING of me getting further from continuing to be deceived and lied to.

1 week + 1 day AND COUNTING that I'm no longer vulnerable and dependent on someone else to make me feel valued or like those women whom I pity and look disgusted at because they are not strong enough to leave or to make changes. I'm not scared anymore. Yes the pain is there from time to time and I think why the heck did you come back, pain? I thought I was through with hurting. But to me its a reminder that I've overcome a situation where I'm far better off than to be always wondering what if, why am I in a relationship where I'm not valued or given the best. I don't need that anymore. Maybe when I was younger and didn't see that a real woman sees the difference. I'm sure I'm far from being 100% safe but I'm stronger and know I can survive these situations.

I look at abusive relationships and pity but at the same time I'm disgusted. Why do they stay in such a harmful situation. Abuse of trust (emotional-when trust is broken it hurts emotionally, your in constant worry, sad etc) and abuse of the mind (mental-going crazy thinking 1 thing when its another, talking myself into its ok if he just cheated once he's' sorry). We, women sugar coat it all the time but its all the same, they are all ABUSE.

1 week + 1 day AND COUNTING and I'm going to keep counting knowing one day I'm going to be like what the heck am I counting for? What was I counting for?

1 week + 1 day AND COUNTING and I'll be further from what could have dragged me down and drowned me.

Take from this what you will cousin but know that I'm here for you and these are all MY words to you. And to myself.

Love,
Lo

Wrap My Heart In Plastic

Wrap My Heart In Plastic

Dedicated to my Flo.

12/23/08

Wrap up my heart.
Plastic wrap it tight to stop it from feeling any pain
from any feelings that hurt.

I wish I could cry all the pain away.
But crying just gives me a headache.
I want to go
far away from any news
from any feelings

wander in the woods until im lost
that's what this world is.
Lost
i'd be the same but minus so much pain.

Pain.
Pushed, shoved deep inside me.
Piercing at me like stabbing a zombie....no reaction.
for I am afraid to let fear know that it's real and that it has taken over.

I want to seek for help but feel like im at a train station with no ticket, no money and no destination.

Everyone bustles around me. I feel like im in slow motion and smiling.
I paint my face with my smile.

Only few can see past it. I feel stiff.

I want to stop these painful feelings.
Wrap my heart up in plastic.

Suffocate the pain until it can't beat anymore.

Wrap my heart up in plastic
and wrap it tight.

Random Thoughts

So I'm in the mood.Mood to use my creativity but I just don't know what to write. Usually i get inspired.....I feel it on the verge but I have no clue what to write about.

I'm not a blogger.

I'm not a Novel writer although I do got some good ones. Maybe short stories.

I was thinking this morning that God blessed me with the ability to write. And in my own opinion, I can write pretty well considering I started in the 7th grade. EWW so long ago.

Anyhow.I guess maybe because I have so many writings and they are just collecting dust that I feel what the FK am I gonna do? Add another layer for the dust to pile up?

I want a typewriter. Old school where the ribbon turns your fingers black. I want to sit on my patio on a summer day with the sun lazyily wanting to set, playing some mellow music. Reggae. Tango. Just some beats with no or minimal words like Nortec Collective.

I want to paint on a canvas.

I want to do wood etching.

I think I'm going to make a list.

See how far I get in doing all the things I want.I still want to make cuscomt shirts with my own stencils.

I want to make rinky dink jewelry.lolOr is it shrinky dink? you know. You know.

Anywho....maybe it's that double espresso that I drank 1/2 of before I accidently dropped in the parking lot that's got me thinking in 30 directions.

Just some words....my words...

Just some words....my words...

Instead of long drives along the coastline, I take long drives to go through metal detectors and be scrutinized by correctional officers.

Instead of pictures from beaches, family portraits or from celebrations, I have Polaroid's taken by other prisoners and C.O's to "go over" the picture making sure it's appropriate for us to have.

Instead of dining out to breakfast, lunch or dinner on the weekends, we wait in line for the vending machines hoping to get some fresh fruit or our usual tacos that we warm up in the microwave.

Instead of partying the night before and sleeping in the next day, I go to bed early tell my friends who are going out to be careful and have a drink for me….because I have to get up and find my "prison appropriate" clothes and make sure no metal bra's are underneath.

Instead of asking my brother or cousin if I can pick them up something along the way at the store, I instead ask if they'd like pictures printed or money orders made.

Instead of laughing out loud and horseplaying or cussing in a playing way, we have to say: "Shhh, be quiet before they terminate our visit".

Instead of being relaxed and enjoying our limited time, were rigid because any suspicious movement can add time to sentences or being watched by the P.I.A. or visits terminated early for "disruption".

Having to remember which colors to which prison are appropriate makes it even more confusing for myself.

Having to wait for the process to pass security seems longer than the few hours were allowed to spend with our family members.

Having to wait for gates to open and close with someone above watching us from the prison tower with a radio and a gun doesn't frighten me anymore.

Once I felt like a phish myself in this prison process. Now I'm an "old-timer". I know what to wear. How to handle my mannerisms adjusting to the "system". I know that your allowed 1 key, $30.00 in cash, dollars and silver coins only. No metal underwire for women, logo's a must in one prison and none allowed in the other.

Duckets to take photos's are $2.00 and watching, waiting for the door where the person you love in prison blues comes through with the C.O.

I never sacrifice anything. They've lost the most.

I don't care if I don't go out the night before, I don't care if I have to wake up early, I don't care if I take a long drive through the heat instead of catching ocean breeze.

It's the one's I love that keeps me going.

It's the one's I love that I care to see the most.

It's love for my family that has me see things differently.

You never sacrifice for a loved one because when you have love for your family, sacrifice is a word that isn't in your vocabulary.