Tidbits

I have a bad back and horrible knees but I still try to skate when I can.

I dream in color and in Spanish.  I have no clue what the hell I am saying but I am carrying on a conversation like a interpretor!

Inside I'm a speeder and I'm trying to keep that under control.

I'm not as free as I'd like to be and I'm working on that.  I hold back on a lot.

I day dream waaaaay to much!

Whenever I listen to 10:15 by the cure...It brings me back to my old high school days....ahhhh

I can go from listening Rock music to Flamenco without a flinch.  From Oldies to Punk.  From Classical to Reggae.

I just found out I have sent over 1,015 text messages and 874 picture messages in 1 month alone. This does not include the any of the mail I receive through my 4 email accounts that I have.

I learned how to type on a old school typewriter blindfolded.

Whenever I chuck....my lungs feel like they are going to expand and explode.  I could never be bulimic or anorexic.

Brought to you by Gandhi

"Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviors. Keep your behaviors positive because your behaviors become your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny. "

- Gandhi

Thoughts

It has been a great while since I've posted.

1.  My internet is funkier than Rick James crotch pants.
2. I've been busier than a hooker trying to make that rent money.

Hmm....not a too fantastic way to start off my thoughts post right? Fk it who cares. =)

This moment's thought:

My daily practice now is to continually clean the chambers of my heart - to give and receive love, to stay present to myself and to others, to no longer flee, or worry, or procrastinate.  I may act imperfectly, but I try to act bodly from my core values.

Artsy Fartsy

Sigh.

I promised myself I'd do 6 paintings by this year and put them up.  Not copies of others work but my very own.  From my own imagination.  It sucks because I know I can draw it, but my painting technique sucks.  I should've hung around taggers more in my younger years.  Now they are graffitti artists.  I'm just a doodler.  I got 4 going and need 2 more.

Wrap My Heart In Plastic

Wrap My Heart In Plastic

Dedicated to my Flo.

12/23/08

Wrap up my heart.
Plastic wrap it tight to stop it from feeling any pain
from any feelings that hurt.

I wish I could cry all the pain away.
But crying just gives me a headache.
I want to go
far away from any news
from any feelings

wander in the woods until im lost
that's what this world is.
Lost
i'd be the same but minus so much pain.

Pain.
Pushed, shoved deep inside me.
Piercing at me like stabbing a zombie....no reaction.
for I am afraid to let fear know that it's real and that it has taken over.

I want to seek for help but feel like im at a train station with no ticket, no money and no destination.

Everyone bustles around me. I feel like im in slow motion and smiling.
I paint my face with my smile.

Only few can see past it. I feel stiff.

I want to stop these painful feelings.
Wrap my heart up in plastic.

Suffocate the pain until it can't beat anymore.

Wrap my heart up in plastic
and wrap it tight.

Random Thoughts

So I'm in the mood.Mood to use my creativity but I just don't know what to write. Usually i get inspired.....I feel it on the verge but I have no clue what to write about.

I'm not a blogger.

I'm not a Novel writer although I do got some good ones. Maybe short stories.

I was thinking this morning that God blessed me with the ability to write. And in my own opinion, I can write pretty well considering I started in the 7th grade. EWW so long ago.

Anyhow.I guess maybe because I have so many writings and they are just collecting dust that I feel what the FK am I gonna do? Add another layer for the dust to pile up?

I want a typewriter. Old school where the ribbon turns your fingers black. I want to sit on my patio on a summer day with the sun lazyily wanting to set, playing some mellow music. Reggae. Tango. Just some beats with no or minimal words like Nortec Collective.

I want to paint on a canvas.

I want to do wood etching.

I think I'm going to make a list.

See how far I get in doing all the things I want.I still want to make cuscomt shirts with my own stencils.

I want to make rinky dink jewelry.lolOr is it shrinky dink? you know. You know.

Anywho....maybe it's that double espresso that I drank 1/2 of before I accidently dropped in the parking lot that's got me thinking in 30 directions.

Just some words....my words...

Just some words....my words...

Instead of long drives along the coastline, I take long drives to go through metal detectors and be scrutinized by correctional officers.

Instead of pictures from beaches, family portraits or from celebrations, I have Polaroid's taken by other prisoners and C.O's to "go over" the picture making sure it's appropriate for us to have.

Instead of dining out to breakfast, lunch or dinner on the weekends, we wait in line for the vending machines hoping to get some fresh fruit or our usual tacos that we warm up in the microwave.

Instead of partying the night before and sleeping in the next day, I go to bed early tell my friends who are going out to be careful and have a drink for me….because I have to get up and find my "prison appropriate" clothes and make sure no metal bra's are underneath.

Instead of asking my brother or cousin if I can pick them up something along the way at the store, I instead ask if they'd like pictures printed or money orders made.

Instead of laughing out loud and horseplaying or cussing in a playing way, we have to say: "Shhh, be quiet before they terminate our visit".

Instead of being relaxed and enjoying our limited time, were rigid because any suspicious movement can add time to sentences or being watched by the P.I.A. or visits terminated early for "disruption".

Having to remember which colors to which prison are appropriate makes it even more confusing for myself.

Having to wait for the process to pass security seems longer than the few hours were allowed to spend with our family members.

Having to wait for gates to open and close with someone above watching us from the prison tower with a radio and a gun doesn't frighten me anymore.

Once I felt like a phish myself in this prison process. Now I'm an "old-timer". I know what to wear. How to handle my mannerisms adjusting to the "system". I know that your allowed 1 key, $30.00 in cash, dollars and silver coins only. No metal underwire for women, logo's a must in one prison and none allowed in the other.

Duckets to take photos's are $2.00 and watching, waiting for the door where the person you love in prison blues comes through with the C.O.

I never sacrifice anything. They've lost the most.

I don't care if I don't go out the night before, I don't care if I have to wake up early, I don't care if I take a long drive through the heat instead of catching ocean breeze.

It's the one's I love that keeps me going.

It's the one's I love that I care to see the most.

It's love for my family that has me see things differently.

You never sacrifice for a loved one because when you have love for your family, sacrifice is a word that isn't in your vocabulary.