Dreams...again....

Lately I have been having this overwhelming feeling of fear or anxiety.  My dreams lately have also been a target.  They have been dark and kind of scary.  Last night, I dreamt my car was stolen, and I was crying and scared and didn't know what to do.  I don't think it was so much as the car was stolen, but something else is going on and it's being re-interpreted into other material things in my dreams.

I know what it is but I just don't know how to deal with it.  Ugh, I just posted that I wasn't going to let fear rob me of precious moments but this is a precious moment really.  This is a something that has been going on for sometime and I choose to ignore it thinking (lamely I might add) it will just dissapear.  But it's now looming over me.  Much like this picture:

It's truly like the storm on top of the tree and I know if I don't hit it head on, it will only grow bigger until it's truly lost all control.

I pay close attention to my dreams.  I think at times it's my soul speaking to me but sometimes I don't listen.  I use to have these crazy water dreams.  I'd be on the beach and I'd look out to the sea and i would sense the changes in the water.  In the far distance I would see it something like this:

I would always be alone on the beach.  The waves would be gathering up in speed, height and force until the wave(s) were so huge

when I would look up I would see it towering hundreds of feet above me.  Imagine if you will, I am at the bottom of the picture barely a dot like the surfers below in the picture.

Imagine that!  I don't remember what exactly was going on in that point of my life, but it was something and the water always represented it.

Somehow though, I was never taken away in it, I wasn't swept away. 

Another water dream, I seen it and there were these stairs that were so high, I thought the water wouldn't come near.  I ran up them until I reached the top and the water (under normal conditions) would never reach, but the wave came.  It reached me and as I had my back against the wall, I pressed my body against it, arms on each side of me, palms down against the cool rock and I turned my face to the left and my face contorted as I prepared for it's wrath.  As I felt it coming towards me, I only felt the cool mist spray of the sea water.  The water hit the wall but for some reason it didn't touch me, it was all around me like a invisible box was protecting me.  After I felt the wave go away, I looked down and water was on the floor and I could see it all wet.  I noticed a screen/glass door and people were inside having some party of some sort, so I ran inside and locked the door so the water wouldn't come in.

The other water dreams were super crazy too.  One involved 3 sharks with a poster (weird I know) but what was weirder was the fact that when I was swimming through it, I felt it was 3 of them and I tried my best to swim hard and fast so they wouldn't bite my feet.  But that's another dream.

 I hope my dreams from now on are peaceful and happy.  There is enough chaos in life when I'm awake. =)

So, happy dreams to you!

To Love or To Be Vunerable?

"I feel like every time I love someone I give them a part of myself and when things end, I hobble around for a while, missing limbs or an eye, a victim in the the long war we call love."

 -Anais Escobar

I believe underneath all the eyelashes, liquid eyeliner, and debris that is life, we all want the same thing in the end.  TO love and Be loved.

Maybe the weather lately has been telling me the season will soon be changing and when it's cold and wintery, you want that warmth of the person you love.

I came across this saying from C.S. Lewis:

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keepign it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal.  Wrap it carefully  round with hobgies and little luxuuries; avoid all entanglements.  Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.  But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change.  It will nto be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.  To love is to be vunerable." - C.S. Lewis

I can see where this was going and meant to be.  But for MYself....nah, I'll just be vunerable.  It's sometimes hard because letting your guard down, tearing down your walls or unlocking the gated fence is scary.  Is the person you are to let in, really who they are? 

"Every one sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are"  - Nicolo Machiavelli

I've lived some and truly loved few (in regards to giving my heart to a man/men). 

I would joke that I have a little black heart but in some ways tis' true.  I mean, it's not so much in use.  wait now im sounding like a scorned bitter person who doesn't know love.  That's not true, I get tears in my eyes (yes and they do actually fall sometimes) when it comes to events with family and such.  But trusting someone with something so special...is like a tug-of-war at times.  It's sometimes a matter of, will this hurt as much as I know it will or do i forsee an expiration date that I'm not telling 'him' about.  ('him' currently refers to no one in particular at this time but more so on past ....i'll post on this later).

In any case, I'd rather be open and vunerable than to not enjoy the feelings of like or love.

Im open to the possibilities.  It's a risk. 

There's fear but then again:

"Fear is a sneaky thief, stealing away precious moments of your life."
- Elizabeth Lesser

I'll do my best to no longer be robbed of the precious moments of my life.